By the Book Page 19

  “She’s gone, then?”

  Don’t sound so fucking happy about that. “Yeah, she’s gone.”

  “You don’t sound very…”

  “Happy?”

  “That’s the word.”

  “No, well that’s probably because I’m not.” My speech was clipped to the point of being abrupt, and someone less intelligent, alert, or observant than Daniel would still have picked up on that.

  He cleared his throat. “What happened?”

  “Daniel—you sent messages while she was here.”

  “Yes.” He probably bit his lip, frowned, looked heavenward, all those gestures I’d familiarized myself with. The moves he made while he, the wordsmith, searched for a word. “Reece, what’s…?”

  “I mean, Jesus, sending messages when she—when Georgia was here? You knew she’d be here; what were you thinking?”

  “I assumed you’d have your phone on silent.”

  “Just as well your assumption was correct. It wouldn’t have looked too good if I’d halted the conversation to take a call from the very guy who caused all this.”

  Silence followed, but it deafened me. I heard, rather than saw, Daniel’s wide-eyed look of shock in the complete absence of breath and speech in my ear. The silent question, what did you just say?

  Sorry, Reece. You say sorry. This is where you apologize. Tell him you didn’t mean it. “I just don’t understand why you had to send messages today, this evening, when you knew I was trying to fix things with—”

  “And I don’t understand what the problem is if you had the phone on silent, as I correctly assumed.”

  “Daniel, you—” But wild, choking frustration cut me off. He just wasn’t getting it, and I didn’t even know for sure what I was angry at. Him? Because he was there? Because even when he wasn’t there, he was in my head, infecting me like some disease that had worked its way into my every pore. I was hopelessly, incurably painted with Daniel inside and out, and no matter how pissed off at him I got, that wouldn’t take away whatever he’d done to me. If he left, he’d still leave something behind. A scar, a bruise, a shadow, a memory.

  “Look, maybe we should talk about this.”

  “Yeah,” I whispered, nodding as if he could see me. “We should, once I’ve…” Eaten dinner. Had some sleep. Thought about this. Had some time to drive myself crazy.

  “You want me to come over?”

  I stood up straight then, surprised by his offer to make the journey.

  And surprised myself with my reply.

  “No.” Pause, before a quieter, slightly less vehement, “No. I’d rather just stay in. On my own.”

  “Hmm.” I imagined Daniel chewing at his bottom lip, worrying at it as he contemplated his next words. “If you’re sure.”

  “Yes.” Still too aggressive, Reece. “Yes. I don’t think it’d be appropriate to…” To what? “Go from Georgia straight to you.”

  “Again?” he retorted, and it hurt. He had a point, but I didn’t feel like facing up to what a hypocrite I was. Not at that moment.

  “Yes, Daniel. Again.”

  “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” He coughed. “Look, I sent those messages ‘cause I’ve been going out of my mind. Look at it from my point of view. Something’s happening between us, God knows what, but all I know is this evening your ex—”

  “Girlfriend.”

  “Your ex was due round, and you were doing your damnedest to get back with her; meanwhile I’m loafing around at home without a fucking clue—”

  “You’ve got work to occupy you, haven’t you?”

  “You think I can fucking concentrate with all this going on?” Daniel threw at me, and again, silence blanketed us. Oppressively so.

  “Yeah. I, uh, don’t know what’s happening anyway. It ended kinda funny.” Oh, yeah, Hutton. She wants you to choose between the one you’re speaking to and the one you’re speaking about. Damn hilarious. “I need to think.” Of how to get away with not making a choice.

  “Well, keep me posted. Let me know,” Daniel said quietly, adding, “when you’ve figured it out.”

  And I wasn’t certain, but I thought there was a twist of sarcasm in his tone of voice, the thinnest sliver of bitter lemon added to the cocktail.

  That could take a while. All I did was promise to get back to him without even knowing if this promise was empty.

  His reply came not with words but with a near-musical beep and some static.

  I hung up first, my dead phone said. I win.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I didn’t just kill time; I slaughtered it in cold blood. Dishes, ironing, tidying up the DVD cabinet. No job too meaningless for me to use it as a way of not thinking about Dan—about Georgia.

  I’d completely fucked up with her by not performing an impossible task—staying away from Daniel. And how likely was it that she’d forgive clichés like I didn’t mean for it to happen and I didn’t want to hurt you and But I watched you fuck him and the lust burned me up from the inside?

  How could anyone have foreseen the way things would develop? I’d seen Georgia fool around with other guys. She’d even watched me fuck her best mate—several times—right in front of her. And we’d all been very civilized about it. Thanks for the orgasms, there’s my taxi, have a nice evening.

  Daniel, on the other hand? Truth be told, I had never seen him as a third for Georgia. I’d seen him as a third for us as a couple, had wanted us all to—

  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

  “God.” Hitting the Mute button on the television remote, I leaned forward on the settee, head in my hands, wanting to tear my hair out. I wanted both. I didn’t prefer Daniel. I wanted him. And wanting him didn’t change one fraction of my feelings for Georgia. She saw his presence as something to subtract from “Reece and Georgia.” I saw it as something to multiply. He didn’t take anything away from her at all.

  If I had to choose, I’d be as well tearing myself down the middle and giving them each half a man. I couldn’t see how I could possibly be whole again without each of them in my life.

  Sacrificing the dark angel for the devil I knew meant I could stay with the woman I’d loved for so long, but there would be no more experimentation, at least involving other people. Whether present or historical, Daniel Cross had changed our dynamic forever and Georgia would insist on ring fencing any possibility of that happening again with a strict no-thirds policy. And every time we fought, her furrowed brow and glistening eyes would be an accusation: you did this to me.

  Even if he was part of my past now, Daniel cast a long shadow into my future. Whatever happened, one undeniable fact remained: I could never go back.

  I couldn’t stand listening to the television and couldn’t stand the silence in the flat. Too early to go to bed, it was getting to be too late to go out unless I simply pulled on my jacket and went for a—

  The intercom.

  I sprang to my feet, rushed to the handset by the front door. “Georgia?”

  “No, it’s me. Disappointed?”

  Gripping the receiver, I braced myself with one hand against the wall. “No. No.” And I was honest. It was true.

  “I didn’t phone ahead in case, well…”

  I could just imagine him shrugging.

  “You gonna let me in, then?”

  Pressing the Enter button, I hung up and unlocked the front door.

  As Daniel’s footsteps echoed up the tenement stairwell, I wondered why he couldn’t get here quicker now that he was here, but the reverberant rhythm lulled me into a half calm. By the time he reached my floor, hands in pockets, head down, there was nothing to do but breathe out and say it. “You’re here.”

  “Here I am.” He shrugged, looking through his lashes at me before lifting his head up, and the guyliner on his lower lids took me back to our first encounter. “Are you sure you’re not annoyed it was me?”

  “Oh, that. I thought it might have been, you know. But no, I’m not annoyed.” I’m relieved.
Thank God you’re here, Daniel. Thank God you’re here.

  “Well if you’re doing okay…” He didn’t grin like I was used to—like I wanted him to—but there was a definite tug at the corners of his mouth. “I’m not needed here, am I?”

  Without thinking, I grabbed the front of his jacket in both hands and pulled him over the threshold. “‘Course you are.”

  “Hmm. How ‘bout that. I might stay, then.” He hung up his jacket while I closed—locked—the door behind us. “The reason I didn’t call ahead was…” His shoulders slumped, and he turned to face me again. “I thought you might…”

  “Ignore the call?”

  “Well.” A quiet huff of laughter as if embarrassment tangled his guts. “I didn’t mean to piss you off with the messages, Reece, I—”

  “It doesn’t matter—”

  “It does matter. Let me finish.” Daniel held up a hand and, with it, held back the tide. He frowned in concentration, the man of letters stuck for words. “I got worried.” A deep, pained groan. “Forget it.” And he smiled, shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter. When you picked up that thing…” He gestured in the direction of the intercom handset. “I figured, well, something. Are you expecting her?”

  “What? No. No, I just wasn’t expecting you either.” I took a step closer. “But I’m glad you came.” And another. And another. And the nearer I got to him, the truer my words became.

  “Good.”

  I let out a groan of relief when my hands cradled his neck, when my forehead touched his. “I’m so sorry.” It was a whisper, possibly more for my benefit than his.

  Daniel held on to my hips and said, “I’ve got no good reason to be here. Especially after you told me not to come. I just wanted to be.”

  “That’s as good a reason as any. I can’t…” I cleared my throat softly. “I don’t know…” Taking a deep breath, still with my head inclined, still holding his face, I tried again. “I can’t choose between you.”

  “You don’t have to. Reece.” His fingers tightened on my waist, pulling me against him. “I’ll never make you choose.”

  “But—”

  “I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere.” He wet his lip with the tip of his tongue, and oh how I wanted to kiss him. “Whatever you need from me, you can have it.”

  The depth of his eyes drew me in. Like dark infinity pools. “I should have known you’d be trouble.”

  Daniel laughed, a short chuckle. “I don’t know whether to take that as a compliment or not.”

  “You are a fallen angel.”

  “That’s true. But even before you saw my inked wings, what made you think I’d be trouble?”

  “I…” But the unsaid words choked me. And I didn’t understand it. He’d been inside me. I’d been inside him. As physically close as two men could possibly be. And we’d loved it. So why this final barrier, this inability to tell him what I’d thought way back when?

  Daniel Cross was trouble. Sexy, gorgeous, bisexual, open-minded, insatiable trouble. Good with words, good with his hands, and that mouth did things to me I couldn’t describe.

  “Go on.” He nudged me with his jaw against mine, whispered in my ear. “Tell me what was so special about me. Why was I so different?”

  I gulped. “I wanted to see you fuck Georgia.”

  “Yeah, I know you did.” He nipped my earlobe, sending sparks down the side of my neck.

  “And I didn’t know it then, but…” Whether it was Daniel’s closeness or what I was about to say that made my stomach flip, I didn’t know. Here goes nothing. “I wanted you myself too.”

  Daniel’s hands tightened about my waist, and the breath he let out against the skin of my neck was long, slow, warm.

  “Not just for myself. Or just for Georgia. But both. Fuck.” I leaned in to the curve of his neck where it became shoulder, and we must have looked like two vampires drinking from each other. “The more I found out about you, the more I realized…”

  “The more you realized…?” He lifted his head slightly, turned to my face. Our jaws touched, mine clean-shaven and smooth against his neatly trimmed stubble.

  “The more I realized I didn’t want you to be someone we brought in occasionally.” I stopped. I’d probably already said enough. Way too much. Just because we’d fucked, just because I’d turned my life upside down for him, didn’t mean a thing. Who knew what this was to him, really? A bit of fun? Something temporary, we’ll see how it goes, we’ll fuck as long as it feels good and then be on our merry way? I wanted you there all the time, Daniel. So I couldn’t say it out loud? I’d make do with articulating the words in my mind. I want you there all the time. I’m addicted to what you do to me. I don’t want to leave this alone. “You’re the first man I wanted like that.” There. I’d blurted it out. No going back. Right from the beginning, I wanted you.

  Daniel said nothing, just ran a fingertip over my mouth, tracing the line of my top lip.

  “It’s strange. I can’t describe it.” I closed my eyes, shook my head once, twice. Even if I could find a way to properly articulate that initial curiosity I’d felt when he’d first walked into the library, how could I force my mouth to form the words to describe that acquisitiveness, that wanting that grew into a desperate need to see him again?

  I wanted Daniel. And not just as a one-off or as a third for Georgia. I wanted him to stay. And I wanted him to—

  “Fuck me.”

  He flinched; I could have sworn to it. “You what?”

  “You heard.” I probably sounded a lot more assertive than I felt. “I want… I need…”

  Daniel’s eyebrows lifted. Silently bade me continue.

  “I’ve just…” I held my hands to his face, pulled him in for a kiss, and whispered against his mouth, “I’ve had the worst day in a long while, and I just want…” His presence hypnotized me, lulled me into a dream state where all I knew was how much I wanted Daniel’s hands on me. “I just want you to…” Make it better. Remind me why I’m doing this. Show me what—

  “If you’re sure.”

  “Of course I am.” Strange how the only person capable of making me feel better was the very cause of my entire world turning upside down. The eye of the storm, while all about us raged.

  We stumbled along the hall to the bedroom, and Daniel reached behind my back to work the door handle while his other hand strayed to my waist. It had been like this from the very beginning, him guiding me into something I couldn’t see.

  “We might not know what’s going on outside this room,” he murmured against my neck, backing me up against the bed, “but here at least. Now…” He lifted his head, looked me in the eye, and kissed me.

  It was amazing—to me at least—how quickly I’d gone from being nervous about him even touching me to craving the very thing of which I’d been scared. I felt like I’d fallen into something I couldn’t get out of.

  “It’ll be all right,” Daniel whispered. Once across the threshold of the room, he was quieter, more gentle, less forceful. He was here. I was here. “I’ll make it all right.” And he kissed me again, a breath away from my mouth, trailing the tip of his tongue along my jaw. “We’ll make it all right.”

  My heart skipped at that word. We. Damn similar to us and the cause of just as much uncertainty.

  Neither of us could see into the future. All we had was the here and now. And skin against skin as he pulled my shirt over my head and I tugged at his jeans.

  Without paying too much attention, we shed our clothes, dropping them wherever, and fell onto the bed. Neither of us lifted our hands away from the other for more than a few seconds while we shifted position, and always, always, always, mine went back to his neck, shoulders, jaw. It didn’t matter where, just as long as my hands made near-constant contact with his skin and his mouth didn’t stop doing what it did to my neck.

  “Jesus, Reece.” The low growl of his words vibrated against my throat. “I don’t want to wait; I just want to get inside you—ah, oh God�
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  Daniel’s voice faltered when I wrapped my fingers round his cock and stroked him slowly. Once. Twice.

  “Reece, you don’t know what you’re doing to me. You really don’t—Jesus, stop. Stop, stop, stop.”

  I did but kept my hand on him, and above me as we lay on the bed, he propped himself up on both forearms and stared, his lower lip trembling as if he was one hard-drawn breath from losing control.

  “Don’t.” He dipped his head close, so close, until our foreheads nearly touched. “Don’t move.”

  We were even quieter than normal. Daniel was a talker, and I could be too under the right circumstances, and he liked to go slow, but this? We moved through treacle. Everything between us was on slowdown. Everything but our heart rates.

  “Your hand.” He gulped. Silently, but his throat rippled, his body betraying what his mouth would keep under control. “You’ll make me come.” He swallowed again, less tense this time, with his eyes screwed shut. Maybe not seeing me made it easier for him to maintain some semblance of dignity and control.

  I squeezed. Gently. Just to remind him someone else was there and that someone was me.

  “Fuck.” His eyes flew open, widened, and he groaned, the air rushing from his lungs in one helpless whoosh, cooling the skin of my face. “Not yet.”

  “Yes.” Pause. “Now.”

  “I’ve gotta get a condom on and fuck you this instant or I swear, Reece, I’ll…” Daniel looked me in the eye and flinched, eventually moving away from me, reaching for the bedside table.

  Neither of us said a word.

  I watched him tear open the foil square and roll the condom on. It was only when his hand went for the lube bottle that I moved, and Daniel must have felt my weight shift.

  Daniel looked over his shoulder. “No. Don’t.”

  I lifted my eyebrows in inquiry. The only thing that could tear my eyes away from that glorious fucking ink was the promise in his.

  “Stay where you are.”

  “Don’t you want me—”

  “Just how you are.” He stroked on the lube and in an instant was over me again. “I want to look at you.”